Let’s make this clear from the outset — this entry wasn’t written to offend anyone, and is likely to include opinions specific to me, that may or may not be ignorant and/or ill-informed. And this post wasn’t written to condone, advocate or glorify any form of disorder. But I am not someone to avoid truths, and since this is a personal blog, and I can name specifically the people that I know read it and whose opinions I, really, care about, I thought I’d just write about this. Mostly because I am in a really good place right now and I want to remind myself that this happiness is possible, should I ever find myself in a particular state of sadness again. And also, if this somehow helps someone in some way, then I guess it’s worth the vulnerability and honesty.
Around August of 2010, I started to, for some reason, feel like I need more control over my life. I think about that now and I venture to say that I feel ashamed. Mostly because I didn’t have (and continue to not have) anything I could possibly complain about. I would say that an assessment of life is dependent on one’s perspective, and then, I was really young, melodramatic, and selfish (specifically to my parents, my church friends, and the ones who sat me down and talked to me about it, like Janet, Nicole and Alethea…).
Just a side note- a lot of people don’t realize this but when people start to do something drastic, it likely isn’t borne out of vanity, or a need for attention. I mean, of course these factors contribute to different things in varying extents, but they are probably secondary to something deeper like an aforementioned need for control, or growth and/or change.
Anyway, I think, if I think hard enough, I can recall my frame of mind then. Needless to say I was not in a very good state, worrying about any- and everything, not because I needed to, but because I was possibly too bored, and also had not learnt to let go. I was afraid that my entire life would fall apart if I didn’t do just one thing. Of course, this is very different from how I am now, and in a few months, I would be thinking very differently too. But back then I didn’t care about anyone but myself, and I didn’t have a very open mind (or wide perspective of life), and didn’t recognize that there’s so much more to the world than how I perceived it at any one point in time. And because of this I started freaking about everything, and had really, really long spells of hopelessness that I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) pull myself out of, partly because it was the easier way to indulge in, and embrace the darkness. So one day I was on my computer (THE INTERNET IS BAD!!) and was alternating between pictures of what was to me perfection, and myself. I’d often given myself ‘projects’ such as a week of kindness that I would parlay into the rest of my life. And so I made the decision to embark on a new kind of ‘project’, to physically disappear as much as I could.
But what started off as partly vanity parly ‘~’ slowly developed into something more sinister (rofl rofl rofl my sentence structure so dramatic I am such a good storyteller) and it became the only thing I knew, my entire life, as well as how I measured my self-worth. It also became the only way I knew how to feel. It didn’t matter if I failed all my examinations, or if people were unnecessarily bitchy towards me, as long as I had eaten less than x number of calories per day (and there’s a reason I’m not revealing this, because I truly believe that as much as these things are deeply-rooted as personal responses towards certain things, they can be exacerbated and even triggered by something as arbitrary as a figure [IN BOTH SENSE(S) OF THE WORD!! PUN!!!] on a screen).
I disappeared quickly. But so did my deeper happiness and contentment. I knew what I was doing was SELFISH, reckless, and so, so, so fucking wrong, but I just kept thinking to myself, one more week to perfection. And then everything would be okay. I still remember a lot of the things I did because I wanted to be ‘perfect’. Wasting things… wasting food, wasting opportunities, just wasting away in general… And a lot of people noticed, of course. Looking back now I don’t know why I still ventured to insult their intelligence by not being upfront about what I was doing, thinking no one knew what I was doing. But part of the problem was the secrecy and isolation associated with it. I started being around people less and less because I couldn’t stand the uncertainty of human interaction. And I got mad when people I loved asked me about things I knew I couldn’t give a satisfactory answer to… Again, I know I was being ridiculously selfish, and I’d take back all of that emotional blackmail if I could. But I can’t, and that’s still something I have to grapple with, and it isn’t the guilt that is hard to deal with, but knowing that I was responsible for the shitstorm and that I could have stopped it if things just went a little bit differently (though I’ve come a long way since then and wouldn’t take back the lessons learnt).
I want to clarify that this isn’t a post about any kind of disorder. I think that as a society we are growing obsessed with putting all of these fancy labels on misguided choices. And I really hate, hate, hate, it when people do that, because it makes something so much more than it really is, and at the same time detracts from the seriousness of genuine disorders. Just because you’re feeling sad one day and happy the next does not necessarily mean you are bipolar. And just because you stopped eating certain things to be thinner does not necessarily mean you have an eating disorder. Yes, it could, but that is not up to you to decide. This false labeling then leads to more misguided choices, and a cycle of ‘~’. I mean, disorders are just that — disorders. They are warped ways of thinking. It is a sensitive topic to broach but many people always question who are the victims in these types of situations. Well, personally I can’t say I know for sure- I actually don’t think I had anything medical per se, I just think I worried too much about the wrong thing(s). And I made a selfish and potentially stupid decision and that may or may not have spiraled beyond my conscious control and choice, evolving into a shitstorm involving more than just the people in my immediate life. And I let that go on, before giving my clutch one day, because I knew I couldn’t keep doing this, couldn’t see my life self-destruct, couldn’t continue hurting people around me. Couldn’t continue hurting myself. I still remember what I said the day I snapped out of it. I said, I can’t keep going on like this… and I really couldn’t. When you really think about what this comes down to, it all points to an unsustainable way of living (in a totally non-eco friendly way~) and it would have to end one way or another. And from how I saw it there were only two possible endings — the bad one, and the worse one. So… I had to stop being ‘~’ and make the right choice for the first time in months.
Things didn’t immediately get better after that. I mean I had all of these new rules to follow, and yet at the same time I had to remind myself not to follow rules, if that makes sense. And even though nothing drastic really happened straightaway, I still felt the same strains of worry from time to time. But I think overall I was getting better. I think lah, I mean everything in the world is so relative~ and debatable~ so I don’t really wanna say anything for sure. But I felt happier day by day, mostly because I made a conscious decision not to go back to the dark place I was in no matter now tempting it appeared. I also had a great support system in the form of good friends like Janet, Nicole, my parents, etc people I’ve mentioned before. These were people who wouldn’t give up on the [situation], who were always trying to get through to me even as I refused to let them in. I’m really grateful for them, and I always remind myself that, because it explains part of the reason I want them around with me for a long, long time.
I won’t go into all the details, though by now it should be painfully obvious what went down, but anyway I made the decision to think about all the other things in life that existed. I didn’t even have to think about the ‘good things’ in my life, it was just the knowledge that these things were even possible, whether they happened to me personally or not, that made me see life as so much bigger than numbers and figures (that pun again lols). I don’t know if it had anything to do with the end of A levels but I highly doubt so lah. Regardless, since then I’ve been a lot better in handling things because I exercised a leap of faith in letting go, and it worked out for me. I think that as long as I don’t overthink things, I will be fine, for then. And you know what? I am so much happier. And not even with the immediate happiness I sometimes had even then, but in what I think is a more lasting contentment, learning what to hold on to and what to let go, and consequently, how to do hold on or let go.
I wouldn’t say I’m completely worry-free now, but these days as soon as I feel a baby worry forming itself I start to push myself to let it go. And that makes it easier to go on, and be happy going on at that.
This is a completely Christian side note so you can like not read it if you don’t want to (I will link a Jeremy Renner talkshow interview HERE and you can click it and be entertained and/or happy), and is likely to make people think Yeah you’re only quoting the bible now because you’re happy and content and full and not worried about this fullness but anyways… I have always had this ‘voice of cynicism’ in the back of my head, and I would subconsciously question the feasibility of certain concepts often talked about in the bible (or just the church circle in general), and this included that of hope. To me I didn’t understand why this proclamation of hope would be enough to give me something to look forward to, let alone, peace that ~surpasses all understanding. So when I came across this verse ~completely randomly~ I was like, wow, there actually is logic to this… Number 23:19 says, “God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?” and it is true that on all accounts if what we believe is that God is not human (as is inherent and intrinsically weaved into belief anyway) then he has no reason to not do what he says he will, and if he says, by Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you… plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” then why would He not do that anyway… unless God is so all-powerful, and incidentally bored, and would hence like to ~play around with all of us~ but I highly doubt so lah.
And also, through a selfish perspective of wanting peace to be served on a platter to me now, I believe in 2 Corinthians 4:16—18, “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” That in the face of an eternity that is so very removed from the Earth life that we are living now, everything else fades away (I’m totes pushing a Steve Jobs ‘live like you’re dying’ sentiment here hayyyy).
Okay, so all of that done, what I really wanted to say is, I think the truth is we will never really know what is alright and what isn’t, let alone if we’re ‘fine’ or not, but I think the best way to carry on is to do what you want (within reason i.e. using your discretion to not hurt anyone according to each situation), know why you’re what you’re doing, and to make decisions not out of fear but to have the best possible result based on the information you have right now. And to live larger than life, and to remind yourself that you are one little speck of Person in the grander scheme of things, in life, universe, among other people, etc… If it helps, go look at pictures of Machu Picchu, it will truly put things into perspective. Or Google ‘space’.
If you’re going through something similar, whether it is more or less ‘~’, I kinda just want to say… that life is really a lot larger than this period in your life right now. And if all you can see is darkness I really, seriously want to tell you that there is light everywhere. As long as you’re willing to look for it, and not at your problem. I mean, life is so much more than this, just as you are so much more than just this barometer of worth you’ve given yourself. If only you’d be willing to let it go.
Also, this is the first time I’m talking about this openly to more than just my parents and x, x, x, but I have sound reasons for doing so and honestly I really don’t care what people think about me, (and my mother says it was very honestly written, which makes me happy) plus these things are slowly becoming, not commonplace exactly, but maybe more accessible (though this could also underscore a worrying growing trend) anyway.
And also I am slightly bored at work because no one else is really doing much post-Chinese New Year. Which, by the way, was the most fun I’ve had in a long time + the most fun one I’ve had so far, ty for asking. Cousins, family, good friends, over two days. What more could I really ask for :’)
Oh wait, I know.
MY PHONE BACK, FROM THE DOUCHEBAG WHO STOLE IT AT PHUTURE.
But life is life is life and I might have danced* a little too much anyway.
*may or may not have been sponsored by cheap alcohol
‘Cuz why be sad when there’s Nutella in the fridge… and Tina Fey exists?!?
1) Eating Snickers Gelato from Seventh Heaven at the Takashimaya food hall.
2) Dancing to Wham!, Katy Perry and/or Weird Al Yankovic.
3) Singing Taylor Swift songs into a $4 Body Shop hairbrush whilst pretending to be on stage at the Padang
4) Watching YouTube
- a) Modern Family
- b) Full Criminal Minds episodes!
- c) Tina Fey/Shia Labeouf/Jeremy Renner/Ty Burell/Eric Stonestreet talk show interviews
- d) That one iPhone video of an entertainer-dressed-as-a-CareBear falling off the stage at Ang Mo Kio Hub while dancing
5) Going for a walk with my iPod playing my ‘Imaginary Better Me’ playlist
6) Lying on my bedroom floor while crisp music floats into the room from my dad’s gramophone downstairs
7) Watching post-apocalyptic/disaster movies
8) Reading David and Nicole’s Tumblrs, and savouring their astute social commentary on the funniness that is life, and also Rafael Nadal and/or David Tennant.
9) Scratching my dog’s belly why he lies stomach-up
10) Going on ASOS.com and UO (US and UK), and adding a shitload of nice things to my cart, before getting board and exiting the window.
11) Looking at pictures like this one.
12) Imagining Shermaine doing her triple-wink
13) Hula-hooping for an hour (often for not more than 30 seconds per revolution around my waist)
14) Skipping for fifteen minutes and feeling like I have worked out enough to be Michael Phelps-fit.
15) Wiki-ing towns arbitrarily, like Cook County, Chicago, and imaging life and death there
16) Making a list of all the places I want to travel to while trawling travel blogs
18) Playing the simplest song to play on the guitar (Wonderwall), singing lovelily (not a word, and because it requires the smalls vocal range ever), and thinking, “I am so creative, I should record myself singing this, put in on YouTube, and be the next Justin Bieber, except not with all the hate and also without the fake ghetto accent.”)
19) Writing about why I am sad, and then being ‘done’ with the sadness after I’ve penned down the last word.
20) Making lists on things that make me happy and then basking in the pure meta of it all.
Originally written on Saturday, 21st January 2012
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This time of the year I interact with a lot of people who I don’t otherwise keep up with on a regular basis and they, not really knowing much about me (and vice versa), often talk to me about ‘neutral’ topics like school and relationships. (Much older) people always complain about their relatives asking them why they aren’t married yet, why they don’t have any children yet, etc, and I guess for people ‘our’ (who is our, who are we, anyway) age the proverbial question that gets tossed in our direction is, “You got boyfriend or not,” to which I always reply politely with a manufactured light laugh, “No, I don’t want one and no one wants me.”
But I guess that’s not true, the latter part at least (if I am completely honest, and also ridiculously self-absorbed. So well done, self, you are both). I’m not a perfect person with sound opinions and the ability to give until there’s nothing left of me. And I can be impatient. And also self-absorbed. But I’m not a cat lady with zero social skills and no redeeming qualities, as I am sure many other single ladiez aren’t as well. I’m not a serial killer (well, even if I were I wouldn’t tell you, and what are you doing in my closet, where did you find that awesome knife collection, in my closet?) and I don’t think I’m a terrible person… so the sentiment of not being in a relationship because of undesirability is an exaggeration I and a lot of teenagers cite in a moment of ‘I’ll just say this to pass the time’ when the unavoidable question comes up.
That being said, I’ve always kind of known I’m not somebody who needs to have another person around (except my mom). If you’re there, that’s nice, but I’m not any less of a person if you aren’t (and this cruelly applies to some friendships as well). This isn’t to say I haven’t found people intriguing and/or interesting, because I have. But I’ve just never been in the position where someone has held my [fondness, affection, etc] for a considerable enough amount of time for me to think, “Yeah, he’s boyfriend material man, I’d totes date him.” Yeah, that sounds really bad, but it’s seriously not you, it’s me. I’m ridiculously self-absorbed (as mentioned before) and as bad as it sounds, I don’t find it all that difficult to cut (mostly toxic) relationships out of my life, or let certain people go. I guess it’s because I’ve been lucky enough to have never felt like I have much to lose… In all respects, I’m pretty blessed. My mom is almost always around, my dad is amusingly hipster and one-of-a-kind, my brother is pretty unique, I have a comfortable room to myself, I’m relatively healthy… a lot of the reason I can do the things I do today aren’t really products of things I’ve had to tear my arm and leg off for. And because of this feeling of security, I don’t immediately feel like I’m missing anything. Because this is all I’ve ever known, and to me, I’m not.
That whole (self-absorbed) spiel aside, the crux of it remains that apart from external factors such as the potential lack of good men in Singapore (Holler, Sumiko Tan) and age limits at clubs that have barred me from meeting possibly sleazy NS boys (disclaimer: This is a joke, I know of Phuture-going NS boys who are bald but not perverted in the least) who I wouldn’t really want in that close proximity anyway, I remain ‘forever alone’ but not really because I don’t want someone else around. Already, I find it difficult to be around a lot of people for extended periods of time, how much more stifled would I feel if I were to have to be accountable to one person all day, every day?
This remains part of the reason I always list ‘ability to live larger than life and see the world through a wider perspective’ as the top quality I look for in people (yes I am a demanding bitch, I realise this, as I am self-absorbed). I was talking to Janet the other day and I told her I used to feel bad because I didn’t want to make people feel [negative emotion] just because they don’t value detachment (read: space) as much as I do. But the fact remains that people are built and wired differently, and I’ve learnt to give people countless chances, since they do so for me too. But I can only accommodate neediness to a certain degree. Possibly to the same extent he would tolerate my occasional but unintentional arrogance, cold detachment, and self-absorption (yeah like I was gonna leave the last one out). When push comes to shove and we realise we just can’t keep grating on each other’s nerves in an attempt to smile and pretend things are okay, I can only hope he’d be as willing to move on as I can imagine myself embracing the lack of obligation to a relationship that is stifling, smothering, and ultimately, failing.
I don’t remember how I got onto the slightly off-track topic of me not liking it when people are overly needy, since I was talking about why I like being on my own. But I guess the two aren’t mutually exclusive.
I guess I just don’t think getting into a relationship right now is something that will add value to my life, personally (of course I might fall in love tomorrow and think completely differently, because I was just telling Janet that from each person I’ve met and kept close at one point, I’ve learnt something. Mostly to not be so self-absorbed…) and I don’t understand why people obsess about things like that so much, to the point where it becomes all they think about, and being with someone is all they strive to do.
But I guess these could be the same people who don’t get why I think too much about certain things and then subsequently write about them online in a melodramatic, holier-than-thou, and potentially self-absorbed manner.
On a funny note, when I told my mom about this whole thing, she laughed in that half-amused half-thank-God-I-love-you-so-much-you’re-my-little-baby-please-never-move-out-of-your-room manner as parents often do, and voiced out what everyone is thinking right now… “YOU’RE REALLY SELF-ABSORBED ONLY EIGHTEEN…! You don’t even know what life is about yet,” followed by the ever-popular, “You just haven’t met the right person yet,” and subsequently, my personal favourite, “Better this way, you have more time to earn money to pay for your own education.”
All adorable-parentals aside, if someone were to ask me, sometime within the next few days, if I have a boyfriend (and/or girlfriend, take your pick), I guess I’d reply that I’m single and ready to mingle… and rock climb, and travel to unorthodox places on my own, and plan out music videos in my head, and spend about 4 hours in a corner at Kinokuniya reading everything from an article about Kim’s divorce to page 36 of the first Watchmen comic, and marathon seasons of Criminal Minds on my laptop, and fantasise about King’s College this year possibly, and dance Saturday night away amidst good friends and bathed in flashing lights, and google Tina Fey from time to time because I am seriously considering getting a life transplant to be her. I have interests and a to-do list… and I’ve subconsciously left ‘getting into a relationship and subsequently married’ out of it. Because I just don’t care enough to think about it right now, let alone tick it off my list. And even if I did, I am so superficially affected by anything and everything that I don’t have much time left (though evidently enough to have spent the past half an hour blogging about this. Priorities schriorities. Side note, schriorities is a ridiculously difficult to pronounce made-up-word.).
I guess it’s because I spend most of my time worrying about how I might possibly never meet Tina Fey. Dafuq.
By the way, this is not a well-orchestrated cover for my lesbian relationships with Janet and/or Nicole.
OR IS IT?!?
No, it isn’t. I just don’t need anyone else in that way right now.
.
.
.
But then I go back and watch this for the approximately 523rd time:
and I’m like…
